Tuesday, 7 July 2009

Pacifier

Things move fast sometimes. I look back at the last several days and they're a blur of car rides, meals on the run, phone calls, emails and texts, and finding where the cups are at the hospice, rejoicing at finding they have a copy of Andrew Morton's biography of Madonna on the shelf. Sweeney's ticked off at having so little time at home, which is nice, but can't be helped right now. There's a bag of books and cars and drawing supplies in the car all the time now.
I've seen the interaction between Sweeney and Martin devolve over the last two weeks. Of course it has between everyone and Martin, but Sweeney's my boy, and I've always been astounded at and impressed by how gorgeously those two get on. Most mornings Sweeney asks me if his dad's getting better, and I tell him no, his dad isn't going to get better. We visit every day and his dad is increasingly ill, and now heavily sedated, and therefore remote.
Yesterday Sweeney kissed him hello and they made faces at each other, and silly noises, for a few seconds like they always did. Then Martin sort of pulled back and disappeared into himself, and Sweeney kissed him again, but there was no silly face or noise, just Martin drooping and on his way to sleep.
Last night, Martin was in a chair, half-snoozing, with Michelle giving him a cuddle, and I set Sweeney up with his cars on the floor in front of them. He used the texture on Martin's blanket in his game, being careful to keep from hurting Martin's feet. Martin's gaze focused on Sweeney for a second here and there, and every now and then he said his name.
When I see it written down like this, I question my decision to give Sweeney as much time with his dad as possible through this process. What does a little boy learn from this?? Are either of them getting anything out of this? Am I putting Sweeney through something vile that will lead to him turning up on Crimewatch?
I don't flipping well know, do I ...
Priority for tomorrow - find, do, see something hilarious and write about it. No more serious posts for a bit, I think.

5 comments:

Nana's Lady said...

There is no better gift than memories. Sweeney, when he's an adult, might remember those sweet moments with his dad, and it seems to me he will be grateful to have them.

speckled egg said...

For what it's worth- I think you're doing the right thing. In these situations it's just best to do what feels right in our heart. Your wee man will treasure the memories he has with his father.

Nikki said...

You do what you gotta do Ange.

Much love to you guys.

xoxoxoxoxoxox

Kimberley said...

Where the bleep are my tissues. I mean, seriously.

little grubs said...

Obviously I know nothing about the real situation but just reading the last couple of posts I think you are doing the right thing. My girls have been involved with 'adult' things from the start and I don't see why not. Obviously if he was outwardly upset things would be different but if he's taking it in his stride then surely that's OK? Children are very resilient and also things totally different from us adults - differnt fears, different pleasures etc. We're going through terminal illness at the moment and I have no idea how long is left, could be months or longer, and I've been wondering what to say and when and hope that I'll just know what to do when it's the right time. So long as Sweeney's with you he be sure to do OK. Hope you have success in your quest to find something hilarious tomorrow! x

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